"clear the stage, and set the sound and lights ablaze, if that's the measure you must take to crush your idols"

I've always thought I'm not much of a thinker, but I think I am. I think so much that I don't even realise I'm thinking. But they are dispersed randomly around my brain, I can't think in an organised manner. A substantial amount of thought have been revolving around friendships (omg so high school) and how disappointing they can be. Somewhere down the track in the last few years have convinced me that many people are friends with me because I can offer them something, ie car rides/ accommodation/ meals/ etc. In the last few years, I have also lost some close friendships from God-knows-why.. my (probably disordered) personality and stuck-upness? Anyway, I hate changes and what it does to people. It has made me a cynical donkey. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother with people who don't bother (or maybe they do bother but i feel that they don't bother). Anyway, le sigh. I must be too free and have a wandering mind and haven't socialised for too long because my life has been all about cooking and driving and thinking about cleaning and stressing about cooking again. I suppose all these troubled thoughts boil down to a fear: being forgotten. Because life is all about me, the world is all about me, what my friends think of me, me me me. It's gonna take a great deal of conscious effort to deny myself and pick up my cross daily. I guess this is how I'm supposed to learn. challenge accepted. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6smGew7dGto "clear the stage, and set the sound and lights ablaze, if that's the measure you must take to crush your idols"