i've always been an obedient girl. believe it or not, i have been and i still am. i listen and do what i've been told.

be this.

be that.

do this.

do that.

and then i find myself doing this, being that, doing that, being this.

you cant do this

you shouldn do that

dont go there

and i realise that sometimes i dont exactly have a reason for agreeing to those requests. because im used to doing what ive been told to do. well i probably do have my reasons. but i've no initiative and my favourite hobby is waiting for things to happen.

waiting for someone to tell me what to do

waiting for someone to call me

waiting for someone to text me

waiting for someone to ask me to go shopping

if noone does, i'll most likely spend the whole day at home, in front of the computer, eating whatever snacks i see around the house, and realise that its bedtime.

gosh.my locus of control is so externalised no wonder im depressed.

i need change. i need structure. i need discipline. i need brains and motivation. i need time. i need a retreat!

a beach nice and quiet, crystal clear waters, soft white sand.. sparkly in the sun.

sigh. God help me..